you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
God, you're like boner-b-gone
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
