Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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