there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Randomize
