I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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