He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
