somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
