I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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