he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
