I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
