Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
