she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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