oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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