Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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