Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
