I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
