apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
