Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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