woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
