Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
