Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
