I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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