I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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