dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
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