literally had 100 drinks last night.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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