You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
