the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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