Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
