I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
