I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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