I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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