So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Randomize
