So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I FOUND THE LEGS
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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