Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
