everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
