He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
