wanna go halves on a baby?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
