Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
