My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
