I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
