Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Can Purell be used as lube?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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