i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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