Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Fuck appropriateness.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
