Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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