did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
