i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
