She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
