there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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