how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
