I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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