Barsexuality is the new black.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
