I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
