I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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