I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
