We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Randomize
